[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Lol #dogsoftwitter
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
is this store having a stroke wtf
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test