[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The cashier just checked me out.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.