[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.