Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.