*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in