Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?