Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
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Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Self-cleaning conscience
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.