CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.