Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My new favorite headline
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!