creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]