Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.