CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*