Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.