Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?