Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
You Might Also Like
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.