Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO