[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
A friend helps you before you need it
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Still my favorite headline of all time:
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.