[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
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“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life