[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
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Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
yea so i messed up lol
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve