@ilovecuredmeats

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

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@DanMentos

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

@danozzi

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

@MomofTeen

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@Nico_Del_G

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@donni

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator