[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
You Might Also Like
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Jurassic park gets weird
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”