[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
#math
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Namaste
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent