Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Midwest trash talk
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
You got this…
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
There’s always that one guy
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats