Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
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[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.