@TitansHomer

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

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@ThisOneSayz

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@Maxine12333

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

@2tickytacky

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

@OfficeofSteve

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

@malt_skull

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

@tobestewart

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

@sarcasticmommy4

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.