Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
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Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
me: u ok babe?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.