[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
😏😏😏
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
He’s dead
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve