Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You Might Also Like
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute