Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.