Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.