Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.