Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔