crochet youtube is brutal
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before