@timdonakowski
@impaulmccoy I hate my earbuds.
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@impaulmccoy 
@fillthevacuum *arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
@sofarrsogud Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
@capnwatsisname [invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
@clindsaysway Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
@causticbob I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
@huntigula Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
@SadieSkyNinja “Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
@BadNewsRapDudes Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
@ristolable Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station