@timdonakowski

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

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@sofarrsogud

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

@capnwatsisname

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

@clindsaysway

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

@huntigula

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

@BadNewsRapDudes

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

@ristolable

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station