@timdonakowski

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

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@BringDaNoyz

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

@patsatweetin

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

@daemonic3

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@DanMentos

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

@GrahamOfTheDead

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

@galiamango

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

@rmfnord

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

@Vice_Queen

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.