“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

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Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.


[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.


Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.


Your resume just says “falconer”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”


Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.


Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station