“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly