Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.