CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Pass gas, not judgment.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Every time my phone rings
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My love language is deader than Latin
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.