Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.