cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
You Might Also Like
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.