crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks