*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT