@Tommytoughstuff

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

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@Teretha111

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

@Elizasoul80

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

@TheHyyyype

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

@Darlainky

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

@nerdcula

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@SteveSuckington

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

@RdrJay47

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

@UncleDuke1969

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

@brennadine

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds