Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Who called it baking and not making love
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel