*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
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Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.