[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
All is fair in drunk and war.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.