crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*checks Timeline*…
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?