[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Oops I deleted….
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”