Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
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“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!