Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.