@OzKamal

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

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@Aamir_Tweetz

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

@themorris23

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

@brennadine

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

@AllyMrJam

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

@Crutnacker

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

@IDontSpeakWhine

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

@laurenreeves

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

@fro_vo

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

@kyry5

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”