Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?