Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Clients after you give them your rates
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Finally!
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused