*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
This story is comedy gold 😂
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
how to market bottled water to dads
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.