Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
You Might Also Like
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”