Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
listen closely
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.