CRYING
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*